29 Weeks On The Dot

I know what your thinking.... 29 weeks Wahooooooo! It is true! It is a very exciting day.  We reached 29 weeks. But it has also been a very sad day.  Today I went for an ultrasound to measure the babies.  I was soooo excited! Excited to see how much they have grown.  I was starting to get a little worried because it had been awhile since an ultrasound and I've been experiencing some pain.  So not only did I want see my baby boys, I wanted... no I needed to see my cervix to see if it had shortened because of the pain I was experiencing.  So my mom and I got into the ultrasound and waited for the screen to come on.  We started the first baby and after what seemed like an eternity she started on the next baby.  She was so quite... almost to quite.  She said she couldn't find the head... but of course it had to be there. So she went and got another ultrasound tech to help her find the head.  She said she wanted to make sure that she wasn't measuring the other babies head because they were all so crammed in there they wanted to make sure they had the right head for the right baby for measurement.  The other ultrasound tech came in and examined it.  But when he came in he immediately turned the screen away from my mom and I.  He then needed a third opinion and went for the Radiologist.  All I could think of was... " What is going on?!"  Cameron showed up right before the 3rd tech came in.  It so happens that they couldn't find baby B's heart beat.  I just couldn't believe it!  He wasn't even sympathetic leading me to believe he wasn't telling the truth... My mom started to cry.   I didn't just want his word for it.  I wanted to see it! I wanted to see on the screen that it wasn't beating that there was no blood flow but he just bluntly said there is no heart beat.  It finally set in.  I had lost one of my babies!  My baby!  I started to cry!  The tech just kept saying, " Are you going to be ok?"  I wanted to kill him!  I just lost one of my babies!  Did he not expect me to cry?  So that was the verdict.  They got me off the table and I got into the wheelchair to be wheeled back up to my room.  Was that it?  I just still couldn't believe it.  So when I got up to my room my OB came in and said he had talked to my high risk doctor on what our next steps should be.  Then I heard the words that were too early to say... "We are delivering tonight.  Tonight your going to become a mom."  I couldn't believe it. I looked at Cameron and just said, " I'm not ready.  Not yet!  This isn't supposed to happen right now."  But as it became more realistic and we went to prep for surgery, I had to prepare myself the the two boys that are coming into the world.  It was so hard because it was like I didn't even have time to mourn my stillborn baby.  But I had to change my attitude.  Happiness and sadness all at the same time.

As surgery approached they did an epidural.  Then it was time.  Cameron and my mom joined me in the O R.  Within minutes we would see our babies for the first time.  The thing I wanted the most was to hear them cry but the nurse said that we probably wouldn't because they are so premature.  Then Dr. Ramsey said " Ok we will be seeing these babies any moment now." I waited for that moment to be able to see them.  And then I heard the most beautiful thing...  I heard little Jonathan's cry.  And boy did he scream!  It was like music to my ears.  I couldn't help but cry!  My first born son!

A couple of minutes had passed and wondered what was taking so long.  They typically pull them out within a minute of each other.  Then I heard another cry!  Baby Chase was born.  I didn't get to see them at first because Cameron was cutting their umbilical cords.  But not long after Cameron brought over our little Ryan.  He was sooo blue unlike his brothers.  Even though I didn't get to hear his little cry he was one of the most beautiful things I've seen.  He looked just peaceful.  Even though he didn't get to take that first breath I knew his presence was there.

After awhile they whisked Jonathan and Chase to the NICU and Ryan to go get cleaned up so that we can spend time with him before he went to the hospital morge.  While in recovery they brought him in his little basket. He was in the smallest little onesie I've ever seen.  He was wrapped up in him warm blanket.  We got to spend the rest of the night with him.  It was the saddest thing I've ever done.  Is to say goodbye to my precious baby boy.  I never thought that I could be so attached to someone I never even knew.  But as the nurse took him from my arms it was a bittersweet moment!  Knowing that even though I didn't get to know him on this earth he is mine.  Forever will he be my son.  And knowing that he is now in the spirit world teaching others.  It's such a comfort to know that he was too pure, to righteous and too lovely to be in this world that he came and received a body and was meant for a greater purpose than being here on this earth. But I still want him.  I just have to wait for that day when he will greet me with open arms and say "Finally together forever!"

                                      Jonathan Porter Zauche                                      
                                            Born: Novemeber 16th, 2010           
                                            Time: 8:09 p.m.                                
                                            Weight: 2 lb. 2.6 oz.                         
                                             Length: 14 1/4 inches

                                             Ryan Matthew Zauche
                                             Born: November 16th, 2010
                                             Time: 8:10 p.m.
                                             Weight: 1 lb. 2 oz.
                                             Length: 12 1/2 inches

                                              Chase Michael Zauche
                                              Born: November 16th, 2010
                                              Time: 8:11 p.m.
                                              Weight: 2 lb. 5.5 oz.
                                               Length: 14 1/4 inches